Decadentist -- where all the sick puppies come to play

This is some good writing right here:

This evening, I shall shower, shave, slap on a little Aqua Velva, and put on my best suit. I’ll shine my shoes up nice, fold a silk handkerchief into my breast pocket, and adjust my jacket to be sure my colostomy bag isn’t bulging too badly. I’ll be sure to take all my pills and check my blood pressure. At 7:00pm sharp, the doorbell will ring.

It will be you.

I’ll invite you in, offer you a drink (I’ve already had a few myself), then escort you to the bedroom. With slow, shaky, arthritic hands, I’ll undo my trousers and let them fall about my wrinkly ankles. I’ll bend over the bed, spreading my withered buttcheeks wide for you, demonstrating that I’m already lubed up for you back there. Don’t worry, I’m clean and fresh as a daisy - I haven’t pooped since the colostomy, back in 1993.

You’ll unzip your pants, letting your thunderous erection spring free. Without further ago, you’ll ram it in, and the two of us will let out a simultaneous moan of ecstasy. You will begin pumping, faster and faster, wracking my elderly body with the force of your thrusts. Unbeknownst to you, my retarded son will be hiding in the closet, peeking through the keyhole and spanking his tiny, misshapen cock.

At some point in our communion of sodomy, I’ll expire, my final rattling breath escaping my lungs. The knowledge that I’m dead, the sound of my mournful son wailing “Papa, Papa!” in the closet, will only excite you further, and you will complete our lovemaking as you shoot your seed deep into my tight, dead bowels. You will pull out and wipe yourself off as my son bursts forth from the closet to embrace my corpse. Perhaps you will throw him a twenty on your way out?

A man goes into a pharmacy. He says to the druggist: “I need some birth control for my eleven-year-old daughter.”
“Is your little girl sexually active?” asks the druggist.
“Nah, she just lays there like her mother.”

A man is taking a shower with his 6 year old daughter when she asks, “Daddy, what’s that between your legs?”
“That’s a Penis, honey.”
“When am I going to get one of those?” she asked, innocently.
“As soon as Mommy goes to the Mall.”

Q: How do you know when it’s midnight at Michael Jackson’s house?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson rush over to Wal-Mart?
A: He heard that boys’ pants were 1/2 off.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: What’s the difference between a supermarket bag and Michael Jackson?
A: One is white, made of plastic, and should be kept away from small
children. The other is used to hold groceries.

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson’s dreams
every night?
A: Hanson.

Q: What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re about fifteen.

Q: Why can you always win a race with Michael Jackson?
A: Because he always likes to come in a little behind.

Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night…
Janet: Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?
Michael: Yeah, okay, can we get Aladdin?
Janet: No, just a pizza and video

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson

Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.

Q: What do Michael and homework have in common?
A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson:
If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he’ll
have no choice but to make him a priest.

FBI have raided Michael Jackson’s house:
They found class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his living
room and Class 5C in his bedroom.

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new
baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks, “Doctor, how long before
we can have sex?” “I’d wait until he’s at least 14,” the doctor replies.

Q: What file do you use to make a small hole into a big hole?
A: Pedophile

Q: What’s the best thing about fucking a two year old?
A: Your dick looks huge in the photographs!

A guy and a girl are having sex, and the girl says, “Don’t you think it was presumptuous of you to think you could sleep with me on the first date?”
The man replies, “Don’t you think ‘presumptuous’ is a big word for a second-grader?”

Q: What’s black and blue and doesn’t like sex?
A: The little boy in the basement of my house.

Q: What’s a pedophile’s favorite part of a hockey game?
A: Before the First Period.